FROM: KR, Svengali-in-Charge, The White House
TO: H.D., 'Our Man in Montpelier"
SUBJECT: Making Sure The South Never Votes Democratic Again

Dear OMIM:

Well done on the 'confederate flags in the back of their trucks' comment. We here at Svengali-Central thought talking about 'gun racks in the back of their trucks' would be patronizing enough, but you managed to somehow get race, historical pride, and patriotism into the mix just by changing a few words. The New York Times loved it, but no one reads the NYT seriously south of D.C. Meanwhile, southern news sources took it for the kind of cultural slight it was. And the ensuing bloodbath between Democratic presidential hopefuls, in which each vies to paint any white man living beneath the Mason-Dixon line as congenitally racist, is just music to our ears. After all, since Richard Nixon, the only successful presidential candidates 'your party' has ever fielded have been southerners who could talk to southerners. Al Gore's tin ear cost him his 'home state' and the presidency.

We're slightly concerned, however, about your latest remarks in Tallahassee, Florida, in which you stated that elections in the South must stop being based upon 'race, guns, God, and gays.' True, you managed to come off like a typical patronizing Northeastern toff, thus further cementing a view of your 'party' by Southerners as hopelessly foreign and completely devoid of care for the issues that concern them. (And the "We'd win if you guys weren't all such evangelistic racists" subtext--let's just say there were folks here wanting to kiss you when we read it.) After all, if people in the South care about those issues, you'd kind of expect them to vote about them, but now you've positioned yourself to run for Nanny-in-Chief.

But we think you took the brief (I admit I overstated the case in my memo) to "make them want to retake Fort Sumter" a bit too far. First of all, there's a credible chance that 'your party' might someday get its act together an elect a President. (True, our best forecasts, due in no small part to you, show disaster in 2004 followed by a Hilary run in 2008--but 2012 is less than a decade away, and we should plan for the medium-term.) At the rate you are succeeding in your orders, it's possible that 2012 might see history repeat itself--and some of the arsenals down South have warheads these days. We fully admit we underestimated your rhetorical creativity.

Secondly, while we have no small respect for your talents, such overreach might start to prove counterproductive. So far, we've been able to prevent hostile interception of communications between Svengali Central and your esteemed self. (We hope you find our latest switch to high-fiber paper both tasty and healthful.) But should one of these messages ever come to light, it would help if your actions didn't lend them quite so much credibility.

Still, keep up the good work! Just next time, realize that some of our orders are not meant to be interpreted literally.

Best,

KR

[--ed: The full quote by Mr. Dean, as quoted here is:

"We have got to stop having our elections in the South based on race, guns, God and gays and start having them on jobs and health insurance and a foreign policy that's consistent with American values."

Indeed, I'm waiting for the inevitable reaction from some outspoken southern Democrat: "What do you mean 'our elections,' you patronizing windbag? Last we knew, you were governor of Vermont."]