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The Phytoplankton Agenda, or The Very Cunning Plan of the Evil Mr. Plankton

I'm here to straighten out some agenda issues and keep my readers informed on the hidden scoop. You know, the things that get decided in smoke filled rooms. The hidden plans of the secret masters. The dark whispers of those who pull the Illuminati's strings. What I'm about to tell you could get us both killed, so be quiet about it.

You see, James Dobson of Focus on the Family believes that SpongeBob Squarepants is part of the homosexual agenda. Prof. Eugene Volokh replies that Spongebob has a tolerance agenda. Finally, Glenn Reynolds thinks that SpongeBob has an asexual/bisexual agenda. (No one who has seen how SpongeBob dresses is considering a metrosexual agenda.)

They're all wrong.

This is all just a plot to fund The Plankton Agenda, the complete destruction of the Axis Of KrabCake: The Krusty Krab, the Krabby Patty, and all things SpongeBob Squarepants.

I went to great risks to find the actual items of The Plankton Agenda [1], so that you, my special readers, could know what was actually happening:

The Super Secret Plankton Agenda--DO NOT DISTRIBUTE
  1. Build the Orbital Mind Control Lasers: With the help of The Master, Mysterio, and the ghost of Captain Kangaroo, we have built a system of Orbital Mind Control Lasers. (Plankton's Note: We tried to get funding from Halliburton, but they told us that some plans were just too evil for the Military Industrial Complex. I keep telling the other villains that they're wrong about Dick Cheney.)
  2. Corner the Market on SpongeBob goods: Buy as many SpongeBob t-shirts, backpacks, or toys that make good adult desk accessories as we can fit into The Chum Bucket. Invest in manufacturers of SpongeBob junk.
  3. Aim at Credulous "Pro-Family" Leaders: Target James Dobson, SpongeBob, and Carson from Queer Eye with our new Acme Trilateral Gaydar InverterTM[2] attachment for the Orbital Mind Control Lasers. This will make Dobson mistake a cartoon character with no genitalia nor evidence of sexual desire whatsoever with a real, live gay person. (Carson looks sort of like SpongeBob if you squint really hard.)
  4. Watch as SpongeBob blooms from a marginal item of interest to those over the age of twelve into a full-blown gay cultural icon. (Lex Luthor, retained on a consultancy contract, has predicted a 84% rise in sales to the adult demographic, with marginal effect on pre-teen or toddler sales.) Rake in the profit from our investments.
  5. Laugh maniacally.

The Underpants Gnomes have pointed out that trial runs (see documentation on Operation Tinky Winky) proved wildly successful, with purple backpacks practically running off the shelves at Toys R' Us in every metropolitan area. We expect similar returns from this project.

Addendum: At our last meeting, Mojo Jojo recommended using the Trilateral Laser on Rush Limbaugh to convince him that PBS's Pink Boohbah bears a striking similarity to The Clitoris in South Park's Bigger, Longer, and Uncut. However, Professor Moriarty noted that there actually is marked resemblance between the two, and proposed further research into what other dark forces might be trying to discredit PBS. No one likes competition.

So there you have it. You're "in the know" now. Personally, I've never been very fond of SpongeBob, so I think I'll go buy some little kiddies a toy or two. Show your support for the Plankton Conspiracy!

[1]: The Plankton Agenda, A Jerry Bruckheimer Film, coming soon to theatres near you.

[2]: U.S. Patent Pending.


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ANOTHER SORT OF SEX SPONGE: A. Rickey has made the most of the humor inherent to Dr. James Dobson's concern that SpongeBob SquarePants is endorsing homosexuality, or at least tolerance thereof. [Read More]

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